Why Santa's getting coal in *his stocking this year

Holiday readers tend to fall into two categories: those who like heartwarming stories of Christmas redemption and those who eagerly look for the Wal-mart riot story that's sure to appear the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

I confess to falling into the latter category. My cynicism about the holiday is only outmatched by Bill O'Reilly's ugly, opportunist attempt to polarize a holiday that many have worked very hard to make more inclusive. (Eeek! Did I just compare myself to Bill O'Reilly? Try to forget you ever read that.)

All of this to point out that there sure are a bunch of "bad Santa" stories floating around out there this year. For the unrepentant Grinches amongst us, this year has been a real feast!

This article, titled "Violent, drunken 'bad Santas' wreak havoc worldwide" pretty much sums it up.

Drunken Santas on a rampage in New Zealand, armed German robbers in Santa disguises, a British St. Nick wanted for flashing, and a Swedish vandal in a Santa outfit are giving the big man in red a bad name this year.

Reports of "Bad Santas" breaking the law or otherwise wreaking havoc have been circulating around the world.
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But fear not for your safety from Santas gone wild! A top Santa training academy's suggested punishment for wicked St. Nicks is sure to make a few think twice before lighting your tree on fire whilst on an all-night bender, as this revealing interview with the school's director James Lovell explains.

JAMES LOVELL: We all went to Alton Towers, which is a big theme park over here in England, and we had a lovely time. Twenty-five Santas went on a rollercoaster, and then afterwards we discussed what should be the perfect tummy size for a Santa, how long should his beard be. All these kind of things are important. If you're going to recreate the real Father Christmas magically and authentically, all the Santas need to look the same. You can't be standing on a street corner wearing a pair of trainers and a rubbish beard hanging around your neck. I saw a Santa standing on a street corner wearing trainers smoking last year! These people should be rounded up and shot.

KERRI RITCHIE: Why do you think it's so bad?

JAMES LOVELL: It should be done properly. It's a big responsibility. A child meeting Santa is one of those things that a child has to do and it has to be special. If you don't do it properly, then you're ruining an opportunity to give a bit of magic to a child, and that's very important.

KERRI RITCHIE: So what are the other characteristics that a Santa can't have?

JAMES LOVELL: The voice is key. Santa doesn't have a strange regional accent. He speaks in rich theatrical tones, and he has a kind voice.Also, now this is very important, Santa can't pong. Neither can he stink of booze. I think anybody in those kind of physical situations needs to sort themselves out before they come to see us.
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